Women and Personal Autonomy

We Should Never Settle For Less

Today, I’m writing about a controversial topic.

I’m going to discuss the modern woman and the need to take our liberation to the next step by refusing to do what women still tend to do — play the victim.

We’ve made great progress in many parts of the world.

Yet, it’s a precarious slope we’re standing upon. Backsliding can easily happen, and we can and do contribute to this ominous possibility.

Let me say up front that we live in a patriarchal world.

There’s been centuries and centuries of cultural expectations embedded in our societies, governments, education, and religions making it clear that women are to consider themselves the inferior gender. When it comes to our bodies, we’re told how to dress, which body parts need to be covered, and whether we should have kids and how many, use birth control, choose to remain childless, get an abortion, be a stay-at-home mom, limit who we have sex with, get sterilized, and on and on and on.

Our bodies aren’t our own, never have been, and if we don’t stop playing the victim never will be.

Are you with me so far?

I’m not denying that the patriarch does everything in its power to keep us where they want us, under their thumb. My god! It’s amazing that women have made it this far. In some parts of the world, women are still held back by antiquated traditions.

So what am I talking about?

I’m saying that it’s time for women to deliberately accept more responsibility for their own well-being. There are a lot of cultural expectations that continue to dictate how Americans see the role of women in society. Unfortunately, they’re so well hidden in the debris of fairy tales and foolish follies that it’s difficult to identify them. So, let me make a list of top five things that keep women in a perpetual state of victimization, often willingly.

• Women are told that a man will take care of them.
• Women are told that to not have a man makes them a loser.
• Women choose men to father their children who are bad dads and often choose their husbands over their children even when things are dangerous.
• Women are still reluctant to develop hobbies and interests that have nothing to do with their families.
• Women sometimes betray other women.

This is a short list of things that I have personally experienced or observed over the years.

As a senior woman in a patriarchal world, I’m a little discouraged that even though the United States has made progress when it comes to the rights of women, sometimes women sabotage not only their own autonomy but that of other women. The five issues listed above shine a light on what women sometimes do to sabotage their own well-being, but does little to explain why women would do such things.

I’m left to guess at the nature of this contradictory behavior.

Once again, I find myself face to face with cultural expectations. We have a culture that is deeply enmeshed with the teachings of Christianity. After centuries of biblical persuasion that men should be head of house and women should be in subjection to their husbands, the message remains firmly intact within our subconscious. That’s the way cultural expectations work. People, regardless of which culture they were gifted at birth, simply can’t differentiate between what is real and what isn’t. They merely assume that everything the tribe does is right.

When a rare individual questions the way things have always been done, they are immediately considered a suspicious character.

I must remind myself that the rights that women enjoy today are very new to an old culture that has been around for centuries. In 1920 women won the right to vote. That’s barely 100 years ago. Before that women had no political voice. Without a political voice, there is no power. Without money, there is no power. Women were often powerless.

Of course, even though life for women improved bit by bit after 1920, it was still a very slow process.

It took time to convince the world that women should be able to own a credit card without a man’s signature. We struggled to earn wages equal to a man’s or to be able to go to college and pursue careers. As late as the 50s women were still expected to aspire to be June Cleaver, a stay-at-home mom. We remained dependent and dependency doesn’t define a grownup. It defines a child. Children have no power.

Childhood poverty has been proven to be directly connected to the mother’s ability to earn a living.

That’s right. Remaining dependent upon another adult to provide for us leaves women vulnerable and consequently their children as well. What if dad dies or leaves mom. Then what? Raising our daughters to be independent adults with an ability to earn a living wage even pursue a career has been the greatest gift that we’ve given the modern American woman and her offspring.

Yet, despite this progress, women are still judged not by their accomplishments but often by whether they have a man.

Some women pursue a man that earns a lot of money, but let’s face it, those men aren’t necessarily plentiful. And it still leaves them dependent even if they do snare one of these highly sought after men.

I’m disappointed that women often choose substandard father material as well.

Too many women hook up with a guy who is abusive or neglectful and then have a couple of kids with him. They are so caught up in their love lives that they often choose the man over the children when the chips are down. Often children suffer at the hands of these miserable excuses for fathers — physically and emotionally. Yet, mom continues to keep the man around or chooses another of similar ilk.

Women have the power to determine who gets to pass their genes on to the next generation. That’s an unbelievable gift.

Yet, to be without a man is considered by many to be the worst possible fate. It’s as though women still haven’t figured out what personal autonomy means. They often fail to develop interests and hobbies, skills, and careers because they don’t know who they are without a man. Even as a little girl, I knew that men weren’t like that. Most men I knew had money in their pockets, jobs, hobbies, and interests. They had all of that and a family on the side. One did not preclude the other.

I wanted to be a man.

I only point all of this out to shine a light on the plight of women to this day.

Women as helpless victims has been part of our heritage. There were centuries of women who suffered at the hands of men as well as their children. We now have protective laws in place that I’m very grateful for indeed, but the only way we can ensure that women are fully protected is when they refuse to be victims as well. That calls for an independent spirit, having one’s own money, interests, and personal identity, and choosing males who make good husbands and fathers.

To fear being alone so badly that we settle for abusive relationships isn’t being a grownup.

It’s pretending to be a child. Yet, children, unlike grownups, have no choice. They don’t get to pick their parents. Grownups get to choose with whom to have kids, share a life, and pursue their dreams. It is incumbent upon women to reach for the stars by refusing to give up their personal dreams and autonomy.

For the sake of our children. For the sake of our daughters.

I’m not sure how we move to the next phase of full freedom for women. A good place to start may be as simple as how we raise our daughters to view the world. If we set a poor example, our daughters stand a good chance of following in our footsteps. If we model a strong sense of self autonomy and independence, more little girls will grow up to see this as normal behavior.

Being a grownup comes with lots of responsibilities.

You get to take credit for what goes well and the blame for what doesn’t pan out the way you had hoped. But I wouldn’t give up my freedom to an autonomous life for anything or anybody. As a little girl, I wanted what the men in the family seemed to have.

My own money, dreams, personal interests, aspirations, autonomy, and power.

As a grown woman, I discovered that it was mine if I decided to accept the responsibility that came with it. Society didn’t always smile upon my decisions, however. I had to ignore their dismissive frowns, raised eyebrows, and harsh judgement from time to time. It has been worth it.

May the force be with us and our daughters.

Teresa is an author, world traveler, and professional myth buster. You can find her books on Amazon.