Living Too Long
It’s Not My Goal
I recently read an interesting article about the challenges people face with aging when they don’t have children.
There were so many wonderfully thoughtful responses to this article. It was quite evident that lots of people, whether childless or not, are dealing with the aging problem and what to do about it.
This got me to thinking about the many challenges of aging in a society where we’re living longer but not necessarily better.
First let me say that I have two grown children. I even live quite close to one of them. So, I can only address the issues of being childless from an outsider’s perspective. Far be it for me to pretend to be the expert on the topic. That would be highly presumptuous.
Still, at the age of 71, I’m facing the end of my journey on this planet, and so I certainly can relate with that.
I have two sisters who have worked with the aging population. One is a speech pathologist and the other is a registered nurse. Their stories have assured me that there are plenty of people who age alone with very little family support even if they have more children than I do. There are all kinds of extenuating circumstances, of course, but having children is certainly no guarantee that they will be there for you as you pass through old age.
Having traveled and lived in lots of different countries since I was a kid has also given me a perspective on other cultures and how they manage extended family care.
From the youngest preschool-age child to the oldest senior member of the extended family, the US stands alone in their rather harsh commitment to individual freedom. In other words, our culture does not encourage responsibility to one another even within the extended family.
We live in a culture where after age 18, you’re considered weird if you live with your parents, and after your earning years end, you’re considered a burden.
It’s the old pick yourself up by your bootstraps philosophy. Essentially, everyone is expected to go it alone and failure to do so is a sign of weakness. I would say this is especially true among the middle class. The rich certainly have a much different philosophy. They tend to think of their wealth as family wealth. Their children are generally handed access to society’s best universities, opportunities, and protection that money can buy.
Although the middle class adores the rich, they haven’t adopted the same attitude toward their children.
When it comes to the elderly members of the richest families, they can at the very least afford the best care. Sadly, however, the elderly in our society by in large quickly lose value if they can no longer earn money. They can even become a financial burden.
Furthermore, our cities aren’t designed to live without cars and so it is very easy for the aging population to vanish from our sight.
I’ve been wintering in Spain for almost 17 years. I can attest to the fact that not only do they have one of the longest life expectancies in the world, but aging is much less isolating. The extended family as well as walkable neighborhoods and accessible public transportation keep the elderly participating in the business of being alive.
They are visible and not so easily forgotten.
There are lots of other cultures that consider the extended family to be central to survival, however. A multi-generational approach to family support is expected. And although one does sacrifice a great deal of personal freedom in these cultures due to the sense of obligation, there is a true network of support when the chips are down.
In America, however, we’re left with trying to figure out who will take care of our babies when we go to work and who will take care of grandma when she’s walking with a cane.
I have decided not to treat any life-threatening physical problems after age 78. In other words, I’ll not be extending my own life indefinitely if all it does is add a few years that make me dependent on someone else for care. Seventy-eight is the average lifespan in America, although it’s slipped a little since COVID.
To try to extend that time is expensive. Often it keeps you alive while reducing the quality of life.
I also am exploring ways to end my own life if I have signs of cognitive decline, have serious mobility issues, or am unable to care for my basic needs. We doubled the average lifespan not long before I was born in 1951 but didn’t necessarily improve the long-term quality of life. Many people are living far too long because they have 20 prescription drugs and a thousand annual procedures and screenings a year.
That doesn’t appeal to me in the least.
I have two children who would most likely look after me if it comes to that, but in a society that expects them to pay the highest health care costs in the world, I refuse to add an additional burden to their lives. I’ve also saved a little money throughout my lifetime. I’m far from rich but whatever I’ve saved is a result of making many sacrifices.
I want to pass that on to them rather than turn it over to our predatory health care system.
I know that if I can do that, they, too, will experience the benefits of family wealth and their lives will be so much easier.
It turns out that both living and dying in America are complicated affairs.
Teresa is a retired educator, author, world traveler, and professional myth buster. You can find her books on Amazon.
