It’s Not the Gay Couple Down the Street That Worries Children
It’s Good Old Mom and Dad
This is a complicated article to write, but I’m going to give it a shot.
There’s a lot of noise coming from Republicans that traditional family values are under attack. They claim that the sanctity of the family is important to them and that’s why it’s been politicized. But if you take a closer look at the lives of American children, you’ll quickly see that the least of their worries are gay marriage, transgender individuals trying to lead their own lives, the absence of prayer in school, CRT, or books on library shelves.
The problem is THE American family itself.
I worked with American families for almost 30 years as an elementary teacher. Toward the end of my career, I also served as the principal of a large elementary school, 500 students and a staff of 65 adults. Every kid didn’t have a set of parents taking an active interest in them. Some had more than one set of parents or were experiencing a series of their parents’ boyfriends and girlfriends moving in and out of their lives.
The traditional family that Republicans love to tout was already being phased out many years ago. Not by the threat of gay people, but by parents themselves from all walks of life.
My perspective on the American family has no doubt been influenced by the large number of families that I worked with over the years. My entire career was centered in a rural community where poverty was pretty pronounced. Many of the famlies were born in the region, grew up there, and sent their children to the same schools that they had attended as youngsters.
The local multigenerational family was the norm.
I was also influenced by my own upbringing in which divorce was considered a sin, especially divorce and remarriage. My parents were staunch Christians who adhered to the belief that the marriage vows were taken before god and must be honored until death do thee part. If a couple decided to split up, they weren’t allowed to remarry. We had several single males whose wives had left them. They were expected to live alone for the rest of their lives or until their wives died.
Remarriage after a divorce was considered adultry. It was not tolerated.
That belief wasn’t an uncommon belief back in the day. It was much harder to get a divorce in the not so distant past and there was considerable shame, especially for a divorced woman. Mind you, I left religion behind when I left home which I’ve written about often. I haven’t believed that divorce is a sin for decades. Oh, no. There are too many cases in which divorce is a merciful choice. However, clearly, children are impacted by it.
Today, roughly 50% of all children in the United States will witness the end of a parent’s marriage.
An additional 50% of the children who witness a parent’s divorce will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage. And one in every ten children who have divorced parents will then see the breakup of three or more parental marriages. It’s crazy I know.
Ye gads! And a goodly number of kids, about 21%, grow up without a father who participates in their lives. That glaring problem doesn’t seem to merit a political movement, however.
Let’s not forget to mention the different boyfriends and girlfriends that mom or dad bring into the home over the years. Nor the half brothers and sisters or stepbrothers and sisters that children will be expected to accept. Add to that the confusing but endless need to live between two homes and two different family cultures and you’ve got a recipe for confusion.
We’ve created a very different definition of the family than the one hardcore Republicans think they’re promoting. It ain’t Leave It to Beaver anymore.
Add to the mix rising poverty rates and lack of education and it becomes easier and easier to understand why we have so many social problems. Problems that by now might have been obliterated if we’d focused our attention on building strong social networks, in depth sex education, children’s rights, and a truly deep reverence for life. Because we talk a good game about the sanctity of life, but we don’t walk the talk. Life is cheap in America and disparity is growing while children’s problems are continuously swept under the carpet.
If we spent half the time campaigning for better schools, health care, mental health care, child care facilities for working parents, as we do trying to shut down abortion clinics, we’d save countless lives.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents and young adults, ages 15–24 years. It’s the second leading cause of death among younger adolescents, ages 10–14 years. It’s ridiculous to pretend that the gay guys down the street who got married last month are creating uncertainty for our children. Our children could care less about what two men are doing in their private lives.
Our children are trying to navigate their own lives amidst a critically weakened family infrastructure and what appears to be an increasingly less promising future.
Children are not given credit for their flexibility, however. They are far more flexible than most grownups. They have no voice in their living arrangements and are expected to adjust and readjust without causing a lot of trouble for mom and dad.
They should be awarded a medal, but instead I hear a slew of disparaging remarks directed toward young people.
There’s a harshness in American culture when it comes to young people in general. I contend it’s connected to our “pull-yourself-up-by-your-own bootstraps” philosophy and our Christian heritage that tells us that our babies are born in sin and must be beaten regularly to save their souls.
Adults tend to apply cultural expectations to young people with greater tenacity, however, than they do to themselves. It’s called hypocrisy.
Like most things that require self-awareness, American adults often don’t recognize how their own inability to make good choices, control their urges, or serve as stable role models effect their offspring.
They will smack a young child for fighting, talking back, or refusing to cooperate, but aren’t able to control their own behaviors.
Clearly, the fighting that goes on between grownups is a much bigger problem than two little kids who fight over a toy, but our culture doesn’t seem to think so.
Maybe hypocrisy is merely part of human nature.
Among Americans who have been divorced, just 21 percent say they stayed friends with their ex. Another 44 percent say they were on speaking terms. Of course, there’s another percentage who remain hostile and can barely stand in the same room with each other for the rest of their lives. They brought life into this shaky world and should be able to overcome their animosity for the sake of the kids. But that’s not possible, apparently.
Children are expected to get along with the incoming dads and moms, however.
The two adults that supposedly fell in love and gave them the gift of life now hate one another so much that they can’t stand in the same room without a major fallout.
I was recently in an airport restroom when I overheard a woman in one of the stalls carrying on a huge fight with an ex or a boyfriend.
I mean a BIG fight. Anyone in the entire restroom area could hear her. No shame. None. Just anger and ugliness spewing. I’m assuming the person on the other end of the phone was responding in kind.
My mom and dad used to have big fights, too, literal knock down drag outs. I would’ve been whipped and whipped soundly if I’d behaved like they did.
Every time I see a post on social media about how in love a person is with their special someone, it kinda makes me laugh. I mean they’re just as likely to be arguing in a public bathroom on their cell phone in a few months. You know, once the chemical response mistakenly called love subsides and everyday life takes over. Suddenly they can barely speak two words to one another without it turning into a knock down drag out.
What on earth do our children think of us? I know what I thought of my parents.
Please don’t conclude for one minute that these situations are rare in the homes of far-right Christian Republicans. Some studies suggest that divorce is even more common among the devout.
And what about those who stay married but fight nonstop or even worse are abusive to a spouse or their children?
“About 4 million cases of child abuse are reported each year. Twenty-five percent of victims are younger than age three. Most cases reported to Child Protective Services involve neglect, followed by physical, and sexual abuse.” Some unfortunate children suffer all three. I did.
Where is our outrage?
Ugh!
I know. I know. This is not an easy topic to delve into, is it? Thus far we’ve done a poor job of examining the way Americans raise their children. We want to believe in the sanctity of the home but clearly those with no voice, the youngest among us, are often not safe in their own homes.
It’s amazing that any of us grow up to become functioning adults.
Young people have always impressed me, however. Older folks not so much. Whenever I’m around a group of young people, I feel the beauty of their idealism.
They have a burning desire to do things better than their parents did, but they get no respect from our culture.
Rather than receive the support and encouragement, even praise and honor that the energy of youth represents, American culture prefers to treat these emerging adults as lost and aimless, even troublesome and disgusting.
What’s the matter with kids today is a common expression.
It implies that somehow the older generation was better when they were young and have now achieved greatness. Whereas today’s young people are a huge disappointment and hopeless. They’ll never achieve the greatness of their parents. No way.
Sigh. If it wasn’t so pathetic, it would make a great sitcom.
Of course, it’s a pattern that repeats itself because these attitudes are deeply embedded in our culture. I had a horribly dysfunctional childhood. As a teacher, I witnessed so many poor examples of parenting that if a child had a set of parents who were at the very least mediocre, they were considered blessed.
Our standards haven’t changed. They’ve remained abysmally low.
We mustn’t forget, however, that there are plenty of kids who are better off if their parents are divorced. Life in their homes with the two adults who brought them into the world can become intolerable. I’ve often said that what goes on behind closed doors would make your hair stand on end. How do I know this? Because my family kept things hidden that went on behind the closed doors of our home for years. To this day, the no-talk rule is still alive and well among some of my siblings.
Just think!
Little three-year-olds are forced to live in these intolerable situations. Bless their hearts. If they were an adult suffering such things, it would be called torture. It would be grounds for divorce, maybe even prison. Yet, when it’s happening to the weakest among us, our children, it’s often downplayed even swept under the proverbial carpet.
So much for the gift of life, eh?
Of course, we expect them to never speak ill of their parents let alone report them to the authorities. Honor thy parents is deeply engrained in our culture as well. Right? Children should be seen and not heard. And if a child misbehaves, beat their tiny asses. Because a two-year-old should be able to behave even if their parents are a lost cause.
People were always telling me that my parents must have done something right. After all, I had turned out fine. They rarely gave me credit for turning out as well as I did despite my parents.
Once again, I must admit that this is a hard topic to face. It’s hard for several reasons. First, many of us hate facing our own childhood ghosts. We’ve never come to terms with our pasts. If we do have the courage, it calls into question so many things. Why did no one intervene on my behalf? Not a relative, friend, or neighbor came to my rescue.
Why aren’t there better ways for a child to protect themselves?
Second, many of us feel guilty about our own parenting. That’s a heavy burden. Even if we did the best we could under the circumstances, it doesn’t make us feel any better.
Either way, until Americans can face the fact that the American family needs help, we will continue to hurt our own kids.
We will continue to marry and reproduce without giving any thought as to whether we’re even capable of being a good parent. We’ll be expected to grow up and be good parents without a role model. We’ll repeat the mistakes that our parents made. Our culture will continue to pass on harmful expectations when it comes to children.
In today’s modern society, children are the last group that we can still hit with full approval.
We no longer approve of husbands hitting wives or vice versa. We don’t even approve of a dog owner hitting their dog. But hitting our children’s fragile little bodies is still considered necessary.
This guarantees that we will continue to have a huge percentage of helpless children growing up in intolerable situations.
Republicans, who use the family as a political platform, are deliberately ignoring the consequences of what they preach from the pulpit. Refusing to worry about the repercussions of bringing a new life into a family ill equipped to own a dog let alone have a baby is indefensible.
I’ve never believed that these people fighting for the unborn have a child’s best interest in mind.
I didn’t see one of them fighting for me when I was helpless and in need of protection. Never. I grew up in a bizarre setting and experienced mental, physical, and sexual abuse. I was a witness to the daily practice of abuse in religious households across America. I knew something was wrong long before I was able to protect myself. I was an educator of many children who had the misfortune of being born into dysfunctional families.
Republicans don’t care about the family.
Americans in general have low expectations for the family unit. We’re cavemen with cell phones. Technologically advanced but socially stunted. Our problems start in our families and are carried into the next generation and the next and the next and the next.
When we begin to take an interest in the quality of the lives of children, we might finally evolve socially.
Until then, broken adults will produce children who they in turn will break. Society will continue to deal with the repercussions of broken adults. Human life will be treated as a commodity at best or of no value at all at worst. We’ll cage little kids, refuse to share resources, beat our kids for our own mistakes, fight with one another nonstop, create messes and leave them for our kids to clean up, marry, reproduce, divorce, remarry, reproduce again, and tell ourselves that we’ve done the best that we could. We’ll even take credit for doing a better job than we actually did.
And MAYBE we have done the best that we could.
Maybe the human species is not capable of creating a society where their children can easily flourish. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know any longer.
All I know is that Republicans are scapegoating the wrong people and placing emphasis on the wrong issues when it comes to the family. It’s not coming from a place of concern for the well-being of children either.
Finally, it doesn’t hurt to admit that we were wrong.
That’s the beginning of change. Nor does it hurt to want to find a better way. The idealism of youth has a purpose, I believe. It’s young people, the next generation, that change things that are no longer working, maybe never worked. They’re our best hope. Let them talk about what they want to see changed and why. We can learn from them as well.
Deep down inside, we already know that we could make things a lot better for the children we insist on bringing into this old world.
It’s not banning books, refusing to say gay, allowing a transgender person to have rights, nor protecting our offspring from the lesbian couple down the street that’s causing the demise of the American family. The family isn’t struggling to survive because of any of the above.
So, go ahead. Ask a child what they worry about the most. I think deep down inside, we already know what they’ll say.
Teresa is an author, world traveler, and professional myth buster. You can find her books on Amazon.
