I Don’t Need Validation
And Neither Should You
One of the things that I love about being older is that I require less and less validation from other people.
I can’t think of anything more freeing than not caring what other people think of me. I wish I had been like this when I was much younger, but our society does not encourage people to be free. We talk about freedom a lot, but much of the bondage that shrouds our existence is self-imposed because we are encouraged to fit in.
Over the years, I’ve learned two things. Most people aren’t actually thinking about me all that much. Those that do seem overly concerned about my personal preferences often don’t have my best interest in mind.
Whew! Right?
Agree or disagree all you want but my own personal experiences have led me to these conclusions. Once I understood these two things, I was much more able to enjoy life.
The fact of the matter is most people are thinking about themselves the bulk of the time.
We’re wired to survive and that requires paying attention to what we need. The selfish gene, for lack of a better term, is dominant in most of us. Furthermore, I can’t truly know what it feels like to be anyone else but myself. I can sympathize in general, even empathize wholeheartedly, but I’ll never know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes.
I know best how I feel about myself and that’s as good as it gets.
Even sharing my experiences, perspectives, fears, and joys are open to interpretation by others. They might not even be able to relate with me at all. Because I love international travel doesn’t mean my friend will derive the same satisfaction from leaving the familiar and venturing out into the unknown.
A few years ago, I wrote articles for international travel websites.
I was an exuberant long-term traveler that had sold everything that I owned in order to live everywhere but nowhere for four years. People who loved to travel subscribed to these websites, so the vast majority also shared a measure of enthusiasm with me about world travels.
That happens when we run into people who have the same interests as we do.
Whether it’s gaming, writing, travel, crafting, art, music, and so forth and so on, it’s always fun to get to know people who share our interests. But it becomes exasperating to try and force someone who has zero interest in traveling to listen to your endless stories.
In fact, it’s not fair.
Nor should I give up the things I love to do because I’m with people who don’t share my interests. I’ve seen this happen in marriages a lot. Our culture expects us to become ONE which by now we should all know is an impossible myth. We’re not looking for our other half. We’re already the complete package, but in many cases, people lose their own identity trying to blend with another person for life.
It’s a strange way to lead a life in my opinion.
Which brings me to the second realization I mentioned a half dozen paragraphs ago. Often those people who do seem overly concerned about my personal preferences often don’t have my best interest in mind.
Whether it’s a spouse, boyfriend, relative, or friends, if they’re trying to restrict you from exercising your right to personal autonomy, they don’t want what’s best for you.
I know it’s difficult to hear, but there are people who want to control other people. The drive to do so can come from a deep sense of insecurity, jealousy, selfishness, even competitiveness. It’s not a healthy relationship if you find yourself complying to their wishes in order to keep them in your life.
You don’t need to fill a void with another person.
That’s not how it works. It’s just another myth that our culture perpetuates. Nobody has the power to make you whole. What they can do is rob you of your personal autonomy if you allow them to do so.
Yet, we all tend to flourish if we get to be whomever we are meant to be.
I am often deeply saddened to see the tribe tormenting someone just because they’re different. It smacks of an ugly human trait that I believe has permeated societies for centuries and ends up destroying people’s lives. You only live once. It’s sad that there are those who live their entire lives rarely if ever getting to exercise personal freedom.
Always living in the shadow of others in order to belong isn’t living.
Like I said in the beginning of this piece, I wish I had started life in my current frame of mind, but it took a few hard knocks and disappointing relationships to figure it out. What I eventually came to see is that knowing how to set boundaries is one of the most important skills a person should have. It determines how people will treat us.
Better late than never, eh?
Slowly but surely, I began to acquire a taste for exercising my own personal autonomy, exploring my own interests, and the feeling of joy was amazing. Plus, it took so much confusion out of life. Once I no longer cared what people thought of me, I wasted less and less time. And let’s face it, life is too short to waste a minute of it seeking validation for living our lives. It makes no sense.
Getting old has a few drawbacks but giving up the need for validation is the big win. Turns out freedom is pretty dang precious after all.
Teresa is an author, world traveler, and professional myth buster. You can find her books on Amazon.
