Dunked or Sprinkled, the Goofy Rituals of Manmade Gods
They’re All Goofy
“According to your records, you were sprinkled, not dunked,” says Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t count. We require total immersion.”
“But, but, but, I was sprinkled as a baby in the Catholic Church. Our parish priest told my parents that was sufficient.” the confused human responds.
“Sorry, that’s a fairly common misconception. However, it won’t cut it with the big boss. He’s totally into the details. Very picky. Complete immersion, and that’s it.”
“Do the records show my good works? I was heavily involved with the community kitchen to feed the poor.” the human whimpers.
“Hmmmm … yes, I can see that. It’s not enough, though. Total immersion is a requirement. And it doesn’t help your case that you were divorced. No divorce is allowed. At least, the Catholic Church got that right. Okay, step aside. The dark angel standing in the shadows will escort you to Hell. Next!”
Have you ever noticed that religions tend to love funny hats? Here’s a short article displaying a variety of holy hats. Trust me, the link below only shows a small portion of religious headgear. For some reason, carefully selected costumes make regular people think more highly of those carrying a message from god. Go figure. Eh? It should have the opposite effect, but heck, no.
Which do you think is required by a god if you want to get admitted into paradise?
Should women refrain from cutting their hair? Or maybe families shouldn’t eat meat on Fridays? Should we drive cars? The Amish don’t. What about eating the flesh of Christ and drinking His blood? Yes or no? Do we need to give everything we own to the poor and follow Jesus? Should women cover their heads before entering a holy place? Are the Mormons on to something with the magic underwear? Is it wrong to drink alcohol? Can we dance? Some religions don’t allow dancing. What about divorce? If you’re divorced and then remarry, is that adultery? Is pork a big no-no? Is it wrong to turn immigrants away at our borders? Is jewelry forbidden? What about prayer caps? Do religious leaders need to be celibate?
Inquiring minds want to know.
People seeking a god’s approval should want to know, too. Why don’t we know for sure? And if every religion is acceptable as long as you love the one true God, then why would anyone choose the hardest path, one of self-denial and sacrifice?
I started asking these questions when I was about ten years old. Nobody in my ultra-religious family could give me a satisfactory answer, only that they were sure about what the God they were serving expected. They also had no doubts that they were indeed serving the one true God.
Holy guacamole, Batman. Even then, as a ten-year-old, I began to suspect that they were making the whole damn thing up.
Humans are rather creative by nature. My guess is that they made all this stuff up and then embellished it over the years. The gods always seem as though they were created in the image of humans rather than the other way around. Depending on which culture you inherited through the lottery of birth, your religious beliefs, not surprisingly, turned out to be very much like that of your parents, teachers, and neighbors.
Aren’t people weird? And what gets me is that people are willing to lay down their lives or even worse, kill entire populations that don’t adhere to their personal beliefs. I mean, wars have been fought between those who were sprinkled and those who were dunked.
How would you ever know if you were meeting the gold standard? All the rules and rituals must be important, or why else would people comply? In an effort to please their mysterious gods, maybe it would be better if they adopted every practice they could think of, you know, just in case. Just to be on the safe side.
People are overconfident about the wrong things sometimes. They feel comfortable trying to pass laws based on these strange rituals and rites. They don’t even agree with one another, but still strive to force me to conform to their version of what’s what and what’s not. Totally unprovable, but hey, once they’re on a roll, they’re excited to serve as the messenger for a divine being.
You gotta admit, it’s pretty dang confusing. Although, it’s very likely that if you’re reading this and you’re religious, you’re convinced that your convictions are flawless since the number one requirement is faith.
After all, religious people are expected to have faith first and foremost. It’s that faith that I always bumped into when I wanted answers. A heaping supply of faith goes a long way toward giving a ten-year-old a non answer to her natural curiosity.
Just believe. That should be enough. Now stop asking questions.
Teresa is an author and professional myth buster. You can find her books on Amazon.
